Hoping Through Infertility

"Are you really okay?" 

"I am acting like I am okay.  Please dont' interrupt my performance." 

I want to share this with all of the people who I am close to and those that are going through this battle, infertility.  I know it is kind of a downer for one of my first posts, but I promise not everything on here will be this way.  Even though this is a really tough part of our life, it isn't our entire life.  I've been pretty quiet about it, but enough is enough.   I just thought it was easier just to keep quiet, so I wouldn't hurt more.  I need to be out in the open about this and create more awareness on the subject, keeping it in is not doing anything for me.  I don't think there is a way someone can understand this unless they have been through it themselves.  On the other hand, I wrote this so people can understand a little closer to what it is really like.   I also want to make it known that infertility is not easy. Infertility is not an inconvenience it is a medical issue.  I know everyone tries to say and do the right things and they mean well, but the fact of the matter is there really isn't much anyone can say and I am perfectly fine with that.  I have learned over time to accept that.  Just listen and pray for us!  Kind positive words are great.  The worst thing anyone can do is give us advice unless you have been through it yourself or you are a doctor.  I also want to caution parents and other family members that some information below might be a little strange for you to read, but if your comfortable with it by all means go for it!  I am going to be seeing a specialist starting tomorrow, and I think this is a good way to start up a new section of this journey.

We are one out of of those eight couples that faces infertility, but what about secondary infertility?  Half of all infertility cases are due to secondary infertility.  11% of couples who have already had a child experience secondary infertility, and we unfortunately fall into that category.  Each type of infertility has different types of heart wrenching difficulties, but unfortunately some people do not realize the un-obvious.  “If you have one child, why is it so heart aching if you can’t have another or a third and so on?”, many may say. Secondary infertility hurts too and it comes with many other difficulties that primary fertility does not have. 

First, there are the comments. “You have one already, so you should be thankful for her.”  Wait a second, who suggested that I’m not thankful for her?  I love her and cherish her probably even more because of what we are going through.  I have even had a few night terrors about terrible things happening to her, because I don’t want to lose her and because I am going through the infertility struggle.  Of course the dreams haunt my mind, I want to protect her.  After all, my daughter is my life.

Second, what a surprise this whole secondary infertility thing was.  Yes, I knew I had endometriosis.  I found out I had it during a laparoscopy in 2004 to remove an ovarian cyst when I was dating my husband.  I was told I had light endometriosis so it shouldn’t affect my fertility.  I had it in the back of my mind, but it was far back there.  We had a positive surprise when I found out I was pregnant with my now four year old daughter.  We were not even trying.  My mind eased knowing that I can, in fact, get pregnant.  So I thought future children should come easy. Boy, were we in for a not so good surprise.  

Another thing is that my heart hurts for my daughter, Grace.  She was two years old when we first started trying for our second child.  I figured about three years apart would be good for a sibling.  She is now four!!! By the time we have another child, if we do any time soon, Grace will be at least five.  Because of the age difference, how will infertility affect the relationships of my children if we do get pregnant eventually?  I can’t take that part away.  She asks and talks about getting a baby “sister” all the time because she wants to be a big sister.  One day she put on her little fairy costume and grabbed her magic wand and tapped it on my belly gently and said “I can make you get a baby in your belly!”  She is one smart, imaginative little girl!  That was so sweet and meaningful to me.  If only it was that simple.  On another occasion she said, “Mommy we have to pray a lot so I can get a baby sister”, and of course in every one of her bedtime prayers that has to be mentioned as well as before every meal.  We are firm believers of prayer and you know God hears those pure, sweet prayers of children so that keeps us moving forward. As much as I hurt for her wishes for a baby brother or sister, she also inspires me to keep moving along.  I don’t want to let her down and infertility will not get me there.

Then there are the Mom’s club events or other social gatherings where parents complain about sibling rivalry, or they “wobble” in and complain about dealing with a child and being pregnant.  I sure would love to have problems like those.  I will always have to be around other Mothers because I have a child.  I have to keep Grace active in activities with other children.  There is no hiding or running from it.

The other sad part is I know what I am missing!  I experienced a pregnancy before and all of the amazing phases from hearing the heartbeat for the first time, the little flutters to the kicking,  the growing belly from a special little person growing inside your body, and the contractions.  It’s all so amazing.  After that, there is  the pushing, the knowing you will soon get to see your precious baby, and the birth.  The first cry, the first time you see her and she sees you, the joy you and your husband feel, nursing and so many more firsts thereafter.  A bond and love that is there automatically, no getting used to each other first, it’s just there.  It is the most amazing thing to bring life into the world and to know it was from the love you share with that special someone, my husband.  I pray that we can feel all of that again.

Those are some of the things that affect secondary infertile couples differently, but we also experience most of the other stuff primary infertile couples face, such as the comments.  For example, you shouldn’t have waited so long to have children. I didn’t even wait that long, I found out I was pregnant with our daughter just after our one year anniversary, I was 27 years old.  We started trying for a second when I was 30.  Yes, the biological clock is always ticking, I know that!   Then there are the popular comments like “Everything happens for a reason.”  I just want to say, “don’t be surprised when I slap you in the face. It happened for a reason.” (from one of my favorite e-cards off the internet).  Another popular one is, “Just relax and don’t think about it and it will happen,” that’s a lot easier said then done.  

Not only do I feel I am letting my daughter Grace down for hopes of a baby brother or sister, but also my husband.  I know there is nothing I can do about it, but it all ends up affecting how I feel about my self-worth.  I want to give him more children, that is what my body is made to do but it has a glitch.  We already know it’s not a male factor since he had tests done.  I know he would especially love to have a son--even though neither one of us really cares at this point if it’s a boy or girl, twins or even triplets--yep, I said it!

Keeping the romance alive is much harder than we presumed initially as lovemaking becomes more of a chore.  As a couple trying to conceive, we have to time intercourse around the most important time of the month, ovulation, in order to give conception a chance.  We don’t want to miss an opportunity.  I need emotional connection to get into the “groove”.  I need the swooning and the romance.  That’s how I operate and most women do.  Both people run out of ideas and get into the rut of just “doing business”.  How much romance can realistically be done when the lovemaking is a “have to do at this time” thing?  It takes work on both ends and we are just tired.

I have read about ten books on trying to conceive, endometriosis, and infertility and I am still always up for a good find.  One of my friends said I could become a so-called “fertility coach” because I have absorbed so much information.  That is definitely possible. The readings have made me change our lifestyle in the health section drastically and I also acquired other helpful habits.  I take supplements and herbs, and I changed my diet to become more like a vegan (no red meat at all).  I have eliminated caffeine from my diet for the most part (I get off track at times).  I have given acupuncture a try which seemed to really alleviate the pain I have during my periods. I have also become obsessed with looking up information on the internet about any small detail which is half bad and half good.  Sometimes the internet has contradicting information so it’s best to take information from books and you can expand on it online.

There is so much real life heart breaking drama that goes along with infertility.  Definitely more than what fills a two page diary excerpt.  It doesn’t necessarily end at a pregnancy either.  It will take a little more than that to convince me everything will be okay, although pregnancy will definitely be a huge step and a chapter closed.  It’s a journey that does not seem to ever end, and if it does, the result we long for will finally be here.  A positive pregnancy test and a heartbeat to reassure us that it is really happening.  After that, getting through the first trimester will give us couples facing infertility more confidence.  I thought of all the confirmations I will need.  But, ultimately a healthy baby and holding him/her or them in our arms will be the final confirmation to the end of one of the most difficult journeys a couple will face.  It’s something that can’t be understood by anyone that has not been through it themselves.  It disappoints, we cry, we try again, and we keep doing this over and over again.  That is hard to do because we are basically forcing ourselves to go through the heartbreak over and over again.  I can’t give up because then the infertility wins.  We have to know we have done everything we could have done, from the readings to the tests and procedures.  Something will work eventually, it just has to!  When it finally does, people will probably think we are absolutely crazy with the excitement we will have!  That moment will be amazing and I look forward to that one day.

“It’s hard to wait around for something that might not ever be, but it’s harder to let go when it is everything you have ever wanted.”

A Month In My Life with Secondary Infertility.

Cycle Day 1:  Here it is again, the dreaded day, my BBT (Basal Body Temperature) dropped and the “witch” arrived. Pretty much expected at this point, but still crushed and my heart aches more and more with each passing month.  I knew it was coming as my BBT started dropping three days prior.  It has been about 21 cycles of my heart getting crushed; is there anything left of it?  I know that many others have went through this even longer, so I can to.  At this point, I am drained and hurt physically and emotionally.  What’s worse? Is it my cramps or my heart?  They battle it up pretty good since I have endometriosis, but at the end my heart is the winner. I feel hopeless and there is nothing that I can do anymore.  For right now, I lost interest in mostly everything I enjoy and I do not like that feeling at all.  Nothing makes me feel better and my husband doesn’t know what to do for me.  I feel like I have no one to talk to because most of the time when I do talk to someone they say something that just makes me feel worse.

Cycle Day 2-4:  I’m so drained!  It’s like a “vampire” is sucking everything out of me.  I want to feel better and do things to cheer myself up, but I can’t. The cramping and bleeding is so bad and the fatigue is weighing me down.  My heartache pulls me into depression mode.  It’s a lose-lose situation.  My little girl finds me crying and she knows why because she is one smart cookie.  She says, “Mommy, you just have to pray a lot.  You will get a baby in your belly soon.”  Just what I needed to hear!  I really think she says things much better than most adults do.  I try to stay strong and not cry around her all the time. I do hold back, but I tell myself she needs to know Mommy gets sad sometimes and it’s okay to cry.  It’s impossible to hold back all of the time.  I use all the energy I have for my sweet little girl.  She makes me smile and I tell myself “No, I won’t let her down”.  She is my everything and I love her so much!

Cycle Day 5-7:  It’s finally lightening up and the end of the dreaded “witch” is getting nearer.  I have some energy back; maybe I will do some Fertility Yoga today.  My lack of interest in things is starting to go away.  The “I can do it!” attitude is coming back.

Cycle Day 8:  My period is over!  I feel like I have a new start, but at the same time we all know what the result will be.  Another disappointment is in the future.  Can I go through it another time?  Maybe I should just quit.  No, I won’t because that’s not what I want. I won’t give up!  I’m going to be seeing a specialist soon and that will be a breath of fresh air I’m sure.  It will happen because it has to.  I feel like my purpose is to be a Mommy and I have more room in my heart to love and care for more children.

Cycle Day 9:  I’m over halfway through the follicular phase.  I’m nervous and thinking that I really hope my body works this time on its own and no help other than my own vitamins, herbs and healthy diet.  This is my first month not going to my OB-GYN.  I did several tests, had my second laparoscopy for the endometriosis done, and have taken some medicines that were prescribed from them.  Not to mention an ER trip for an ovarian cyst that burst that they missed during an ultrasound.  What a waste of time and money some of that was!  I can't completely blame them, infertility is not their specialty so they were doing the best they could.  I sure can’t wait to go to the specialist and possibly find what I really need to do to get pregnant.

Cycle Day 10-12:  Let the baby dancing begin.  I’m nervous and tense, but it’s a good practice round.  I sure hope this is the month, but it sure does seem to be an unreal possibility for us.  We must keep trying though, I’m not giving up!

Cycle Day 13-15:  Ovulation day is usually on day 16.  More into the baby dancing now.  I sure hope the little guys get where they need to be and my cervical mucus is not hostile.  I hope the follicle doesn’t get too big and become a cyst like some of the previous months.

Cycle Day 16:  My BBT dipped extra low so I know ovulation is taking place.  I try to relax and take it easy, but my daughter throws a four year old fit so I worry that stress is going to throw everything off.  “Come on, get with it; worrying doesn’t help anything along,” I say to myself.

Cycle Day 17:  Confirmed, I am officially in my luteal phase and I ovulated yesterday.  My BBT went up and it is super high this time.  Hmmm; maybe that means something good?  I get a bit excited about it and I know that is dangerous.

Cycle Day 18-24:  My BBT is staying up nice and high and even a bit higher than previous times actually.  I really hope this is finally our month.  I keep praying.

Cycle Day 24-27:  My BBT is consistently staying in the higher range.  Consistent is good.

Cycle Day 28:  I take a pregnancy test.  Yes, I am a little obsessed with peeing on a stick.  I look at the thing in different lights hoping to see that second line.  Nothing.  It’s too early to tell though, let’s be realistic here.  I took the test too soon. I’m not due to start my period until 16 days after I ovulate and it has only been 12 days past ovulation.

Cycle Day 29:  My BBT spikes a half a degree higher.  This super spike is a new thing for me. Higher could mean I’m pregnant!  I’m really getting ahead of myself on this one, but this is a good thing, how can I not?  My husband says, “I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”  I take another test because of the spike.  I do the same thing with it as I always do, look at it until I convince myself I see a line, silliness.  My husband sees nothing.

Cycle Day 30:  My BBT goes down to the normal set of high temperatures, so yesterday was probably a fluke.  Bummed, but the temp is still high so it’s not over.

Cycle Day 31:  My BBT goes down again; this time it’s lower than the normal set of highs.  I’m more bummed and start preparing myself for the let down.

Cycle Day 1:  It’s all over.  Hopes crushed with another disappointment.  It’s a vicious circle.  You have to have hope to press on, but hope causes even more disappointment.  Realistically, it was expected.  Right now, I don’t think it will ever happen and I have no hope.  It hurts more and more as time passes.  Will it ever come to a point where I get used to it and stop hurting?  Not likely.  Later in this cycle, my hope will start to return and it’s needed to keep going.  With infertility hope becomes a cycle along with all of the heart held emotions.  I know I’m not gonna give up, but my heart hurts and longs to hear the first heartbeat, to see the first ultrasound, witness my own growing belly, finding out if it’s a girl or a boy, give birth, nurse again, and an endless number of firsts with another baby once again.  Will we ever be able to experience this again???

“She’s standing on a line between giving up & seeing how much more she can take.”